Last Friday, Chris and I went to my obstetrician for our 8-week ultrasound. We were excited, although I felt rather paranoid (hard not to feel that way with two losses already). I thought I shouldn’t be. After all, my second betas were good (285) and everything seemed normal. I was still symptomatic and had no spotting. But a part of me was fearful that I wouldn’t see a heartbeat.
Well, my fears were realized when the ultrasound came up that morning. No heartbeat. The baby stopped growing at 6 weeks and 2 days. Heartbreak! I started crying, and Chris held me close as my fears were realized. Afterward, we met with my doctor who was very sympathetic. We discussed blood tests since it was my third loss and scheduled a D&C (dilation and curettage) so that she could collect the tissue to analyze. The D&C was scheduled for several days later. I would be 8 weeks and 5 days.
The grief, at first, was overwhelming. It hurt so much and would come in waves. Sometimes I could laugh, other times all I wanted to do was cry. Then I got angry; very angry at God! I couldn’t understand what I have done that was so wrong that would make Him keep taking babies from us. After all, there are drug addicts who were able to carry a baby to term. Eventually, I let go of the anger. It is still hard to understand, but I know God always has a plan.
We went in one more time for another ultrasound the day before the D&C to “make sure.” But I knew. I’ve been charting to get pregnant and knew that the age of the baby was correct. So I knew there was no way that I was wrong and that the baby would develop further. We were right. But it was nice seeing the baby one more time to say goodbye.
Then, I had the D&C. I’m glad that is done. Now Chris and I can move on from the loss. It feels weird having an empty uterus again, but I’m hoping we can fill it again with a baby that will grow with us and be born healthy after 9 months.
The doctor wants us to wait to try again until after I have my first period. I’m trying to figure out how NFP works in this particular situation. I’ll do my best charting to prevent pregnancy for once. But if I do get pregnant again, during this time, it won’t be the end of the world. My doctor seemed most concerned with being able to date the next pregnancy.
We go back in a few weeks to meet with the doctor to go over the results of the blood tests and the analysis of the tissue. We are hoping for an answer. One that is an “easy” fix to my apparent inability to carry a baby to term. I pray that God will help the doctors find that answer for us.