The Miracle of Birth

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The Miracle of Birth

As a young child, I thought birth having a baby was a simple and natural thing that just happened. In my mind, if you wanted a baby, then you just had one. Period.  The ignorance of youth is a blessing and a curse. You believe all is possible at all times, but as you grow older you realize there are certain realities no one told you about or that you didn’t notice. As I grew up, I learned that having a baby, especially a healthy baby, is a miracle. It isn’t merely a biological fact as I once thought it

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Paranoid Mess

I’ve turned into a paranoid mess.  And, I hate it.   I’m 10 1/2 weeks pregnant and not enjoying my pregnancy. Instead, I keep waiting for a sign that I’m losing this baby like I did the last one and the three I lost before having my two girls, Ginny and Grace. The fear of another miscarriage haunts my every thought. If I feel slightly less nauseous than I did the day before, I worry that something is wrong. Rationally, I know that some days will be better than others when it comes to morning sickness. But, it is hard

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Our Loss

This past April, my husband, Chris, and I were thrilled to learn we were expecting our third child. We were naturally ambivalent because of three losses in the past, but figured with two healthy children, odds were good that the baby would be healthy. At eight weeks pregnant, we went in for our first doctor appointment and ultrasound. I lay there nervous as the transvaginal ultrasound was performed. Once I heard the heartbeat, relief washed over me. Our baby was healthy and had a strong heartbeat (164 beats per minute). My ambivalence changed to relief as I looked forward to

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It’s Alive!!

On Monday, September 13, Chris and I went in for the first ultrasound and doctor’s appointment. Before this, I was not nervous and felt confident (although I wondered if I was deluded) about the status of this baby and pregnancy. However, about two days beforehand, I found myself getting increasingly nervous! I realized it was because I was flashing back to the last time I had an ultrasound and the loss of that baby. At the doc’s office, I started to feel better because of stupid little things. The woman who checked me in was different from the time before. Even

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Today I Was…

Today, I was supposed to have a baby in my arms. In the last couple of weeks, I’ve become aware that I was nearing my estimated due date for my first loss. That day is here. It first dawned on me that it was coming when the Census arrived. I realized that if we had stayed pregnant, I would have waited to fill in the census so that I could include our new baby. However, that obviously did not happen. It is weird when you think of your loss on a day that you thought would be joyous. I’m not

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