As a young child, I thought birth having a baby was a simple and natural thing that just happened. In my mind, if you wanted a baby, then you just had one. Period. The ignorance of youth is a blessing and a curse. You believe all is possible at all times, but as you grow older you realize there are certain realities no one told you about or that you didn’t notice. As I grew up, I learned that having a baby, especially a healthy baby, is a miracle. It isn’t merely a biological fact as I once thought it
A little over a week ago, an a cool blustery fall day, my family loaded into our minivan, and drove in silence. Well, as much silence as is possible when you have a three-year-old and nearly two-year-old in the back seat. The clouds covered the sky, keeping everything gray, as we made our way to the cemetery. It would be our chance to say goodbye to the baby we lost earlier this summer, twelve weeks into my pregnancy. At the time of the loss, the pain was excruciating. I had suffered three losses already, before I had both of my
This past April, my husband, Chris, and I were thrilled to learn we were expecting our third child. We were naturally ambivalent because of three losses in the past, but figured with two healthy children, odds were good that the baby would be healthy. At eight weeks pregnant, we went in for our first doctor appointment and ultrasound. I lay there nervous as the transvaginal ultrasound was performed. Once I heard the heartbeat, relief washed over me. Our baby was healthy and had a strong heartbeat (164 beats per minute). My ambivalence changed to relief as I looked forward to
There are times when every instinct in your body tells you something is wrong, but you ignore it. You rationalize the situation. You tell yourself that you are being paranoid. Underneath it all you doubt your rationalizations, but hope your instincts are wrong. This morning, my family and I ventured to my OB’s office for a sonogram and appointment with my doctor, Dr. Quinn. I am 12 weeks 1 day; almost out of the first trimester. Everything should be fine. After all, at the 8 week visit, we saw the heartbeat. Once there is a heartbeat, the odds of a
When Chris and I got married, we knew we wanted to have children. We planned to start right away because I was already 37 and not getting any younger. Because of my age, we figured that it might take us a while to get pregnant, and even had come to terms with the fact that we might not be able to conceive. Needless to say, we were quite surprised to find out we got pregnant on our honeymoon. Shock, surprise, and delight were the emotions that filled us up at that time. We ended up telling our families right away.
On Sunday, I went to the bathroom and found two small spots of pink on the toilet paper. Needless to say, especially after three losses in a row, I flipped! Of course, Chris wasn’t home. He was at work. I didn’t want to unnecessarily worry him either. So, I checked several more times throughout the day and found nothing; no more blood in any color (pink, red, or brown). I started to calm down, but I was still feeling paranoid, constantly checking my boobs to see if they were still tender. Monday morning, soon after the doctor’s office opened, I
Today, I was supposed to have a baby in my arms. In the last couple of weeks, I’ve become aware that I was nearing my estimated due date for my first loss. That day is here. It first dawned on me that it was coming when the Census arrived. I realized that if we had stayed pregnant, I would have waited to fill in the census so that I could include our new baby. However, that obviously did not happen. It is weird when you think of your loss on a day that you thought would be joyous. I’m not
Last Friday, Chris and I went to my obstetrician for our 8-week ultrasound. We were excited, although I felt rather paranoid (hard not to feel that way with two losses already). I thought I shouldn’t be. After all, my second betas were good (285) and everything seemed normal. I was still symptomatic and had no spotting. But a part of me was fearful that I wouldn’t see a heartbeat. Well, my fears were realized when the ultrasound came up that morning. No heartbeat. The baby stopped growing at 6 weeks and 2 days. Heartbreak! I started crying, and Chris held